


Everybody Hurts

by NMartin



Series: Doctor Mechanic [11]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Camp Jaha | Arkadia, Chronic Pain, Comfort, Comfort/Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Love, Pain, Season 3, doctor mechanic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-19
Updated: 2016-02-19
Packaged: 2018-05-21 17:06:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6059212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NMartin/pseuds/NMartin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Raven Reyes was in so much pain she had lost her true self in it. Not even for the woman she loved she would admit it, and yet Abigail would still try. Because she would always take care of the people she loved, and Raven was the girl of her dreams.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Everybody Hurts

"Antibiotics every two hours." Abby spoke with growing concern. A part of her did not just expect it, but waited for it to happen. And when her gaze set on the girl that crossed the door, anger in her eyes and pronounced limp, she knew. It was time to put all the cards on the table. For a second she expected to be slapped, a metaphorical vengeance for what she had to do to her. Raven's operation felt so far away in the past. And she had to make sure it did not splatter on anyone else. Her stare returned to Jackson and she added with a nod, "Keep me updated."

With every step she took, she knew that the impending yells were going to be the end of her friendship with Raven. She knew that it would all be over. The protecting each other with friendly advice, the truce between them. The assistance the girl offered on mechanical issues would disappear. And yet, it did not hurt Abby. What she silently mourned was something bigger, stronger, more lasting than that. Her love for the girl.

So what, if she had been in love since the moment the girl had crossed a door, asking if she had called for a mechanic? What, if she had acted as her mother when she just wanted to love her? What, if all her efforts to be good enough for her were in vain?

The girl was panting by the time she stood in front of her. "What the hell, Abby." she spoke, jaw clenched and hands into fists. She still couldn't believe Abby was doing this to her. To her, that had been fighting to be the best mechanic despite her disability. To her, who couldn't stand the pain anymore and yet kept going on. To her, that without even knowing it had been in love with the woman since she sent her to Earth.

So what, if when she had entered that old room and had seen Abigail there she had felt the need to help her? What, if when arriving to Earth her first thought had been about the woman? What, if during the bullet extraction she wanted to look into Abby's instead of Finn's? What, if she had grown so close to the woman that she had fallen head over heels for her?

"Calm down. I know that you're upset—" the woman spoke, hands in front of her as if to try calm her. But Raven had had enough. 

"Upset?!" the girl questioned, offended by the woman's aparent calm. How could she be so cold, when she kept hurting. She did not care that she was practically yelling anymore. She just wanted to feel useful, why couldn't she? "I just showed up for work and found that you fired me."

"I don't fire people."

"Not clearing me medically is the same damn thing."

"Come on, let's go sit down."

"No, I don't need to sit down, my leg is fine!" she whined. She couldn't listen to anyone else telling her to sit down, it was enough. Enough of people treating her as if she was a burden. Enough of people insisting on helping her. Enough of  _ that damn stupid leg _ .

"No, it's not." the woman cut her off. She was done with the girl's need to convince not just others but herself that she was fine. And Abby, she needed to convince Raven to take it easy, to not to be so hard on herself. She needed to make sure that she was okay, even if the girl didn't let her. "And riding a patrol and working that wall are making your conditions worse."

"So what," she spoke, breathing in and out heavily, trying to find the strength to not to cry again. It couldn't be, this couldn't be happening. She didn't want the woman to think she was useless too.  _ Not Abby, please. Not her.  _ "Do nothing? That's what gonna make my leg heal?"

"No, your leg is never gonna heal." Abby answered. It had been a hard answer, careless, tough. But she couldn't let Raven keep her hopes up, she couldn't have her wanting to be the same she was before. The same she was in the Ark, as if that was possible. Raven had changed, they all had. And that was what Abby loved most of her, even if it could sound cruel. This girl was the one she loved. The one that had a limp and yet walked every day to work, the one that rode horses despite being unable to get off them. The Raven that knew pain and was determined to fight it. "Our goal is pain reduction. That's it. And if you keep pushing this hard, even that's not gonna happen." she kept explaining, not letting the girl interrupt her. Raven avoided her stare, unable to reply, unable to comfront her. Abigail was hopelessly clinging onto the possibility that the girl finally believed her. "You can still be useful." she added.

Those were the words that Raven was desperate to hear. Those were the words that she had fought to hear since the operation. And yet, it did not feel right to hear them. They sounded like a lie. The biggest, most cruelest lie. She didn't want to hate Abby, but she did.  _ Screw her. Screw Abby, screw the grounders, screw everyone. I am not useless. They won't lie to me, they won't tell me what I want to hear just because I want to hear it. No. Never again. Never, never, never. _

She turned around and walked away as fast as she could. A part of her wanted Abby to follow, but the woman didn't. And even if it hurt to not to be with her, she knew it was for good. After all, she was not good enough for Abby.

* * *

 "Raven?"

It was a voice, a quite familiar voice. It had fallen silent, but it kept echoing in her mind. Silvery, but quiet and slightly wobbly. Scared, wondering if the girl's response would be good when hearing it. The voice of an angel fallen from the sky, lost on Earth without it's guiding light. Abby's voice.

"You shouldn't be here. You have patients to treat." the girl spoke with a dead voice. Even when silent, the woman's presence on the room was enough for Raven to want to turn around and run into her arms. Maybe slap her, maybe just rest her cheek on her shoulder and cry. Maybe kiss her, just for the sake of doing it before the pain killed her. She had been waiting for it to happen for so much time, to close her eyes and stop feeling that endless pain.

But it never happened.

"Not anymore..." the woman sighed, staring at the girl. Lying down on a handcrafted bed, Raven faced a wall instead of the door. "Pike sent the grounders to a cell. They're gone, I can't treat them."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

She didn't say anything else. How could she speak, when she had just been crying for hours? How could she dare to say a word when she was still trying to get courage to stand from the bed? Her throaty voice would only make the woman pity her more, and she didn't want it. She didn't want Abby's pity. She wanted her love. And she knew she would never get it, so it was best for both if they simply parted ways. How could anyone blame her, when she kept hurting?

If only her pain was just heartbreak.

If only her pain was just physical.

If only her pain would go away.

She remembered one dream she had had, nights after the surgery. It was herself, only older. Her eyes were bright with hope, her lips were parted in a loud laugh. She ran behind someone, screaming across a wheat field, never stopping. Maybe she ran in front of someone, she didn't know. Her old self stepped on a rock, making her lose her balance, making her fall. And suddenly, she was on the ground, staring to the bright blue sky. A laugh was heard, and she saw Abby laugh, asking her if she was okay. Kneeling next to her, cupping her face and caressing her cheek in the most loving way. And then her face getting closer to hers, and closer, and closer.

When she woke up, Finn was gone. The next morning he told her, he just needed to have a good rest before going on. But she hadn't been left alone, no. Abby was there. Sleeping next to her, with her hand over hers. The girl did not dare to move, not wanting to wake her up. She just observed her, studied her face. From her long lashes to the dirt-stained cheeks, the sweat on her forehead just like in her dream. She worked all day, and yet spent all night there, with her. The girl smiled. She did not feel so much pain when Abby was next to her.

_ If only I could go back to that dream. _

_ If only it was real. _

"Still, you should go." she spoke, interrupting her own thoughts. "I'm not... I can't fight right now."

"I am not here to fight, and I will stay." the woman spoke. Raven couldn't help but smile, even if it was just a slight twist of her lip. She had fallen in love with a woman that was even more stubborn than her. The girl didn't move, but she was sure Abby's voice was much closer than before. Had she approached the bed? She felt the other rest her weight on the mattress. She didn't want to, but she had to take a look. And so she turned, facing Abby.

No, she wasn't lying down next to her. She was right there, temple rested against the mattress, arm resting on her right knee. Messy strands of hair out of her ponytail, she seemed to have fought something. Or someone. "Why?"

"Because I'd never leave someone I care about alone in this situation."

"I'm not someone you need to take care of." the girl whispered. She was too tired to get mad. It had been days since she had last slept. Whispering would have to do, but she would not look into the woman's eyes. "I'm not useless."

"I know."

"Then why do you treat me like I am?"

"Because even after being shot you kept fighting. You've been fighting after the surgery, after Finn's betrayal, after Mount Weather. After everything we've gone through, you've been the one to fight. You keep fighting, and it is destroying you. I can't lose that Raven, because she is the one who gives  _ me  _ strength. So when you finally decide that you want to accept help, the old Raven will come back. And we will be the amazing team we were back in the Ark, spending hours together fixing the pod."

"That Raven is gone."

"No, she isn't. She is just in pain, and is too stubborn to accept she needs help."

"I don't want help."

"Needing and wanting are two different things."

"I don't need help, then."

"You know that is a lie."

"It is not."

"It is. You couldn't get off the horse the other day." the woman cut her off, still whispering. She had been crying for hours too, and yet the woman made sure Raven wouldn't notice. How would she explain it? That day had been crazy, she just wanted to go to bed. But not without trying to convince the girl, at least one more time. "But I helped you didn't I?"

"Yeah. But that I need your help one time doesn't mean that—"

"I'd help you every single time, if it was necessary."

"What?"

"I would help you every single time you needed it. To get off a horse, to reach the higher shelves, to deal with the pain. I already have everything prepared. Your medicines, the plan to prevent you from losing mobility. I've had it ready since the first time I noticed you were starting to feel the pain. And... well, I've been working on it almost every night."

"Why?"

"Because even if I know you hate me, I love you. And I take care of the people I love."

Silence. What followed next was a whole, endless minute of complete silence. None of them spoke a word, they did not look at each other. But, slowly, with fear, the girl's hand moved. Her arm stretched, fingertips reaching for Abby's shoulder. The woman glanced at her, turning her face slightly, watching her from the corner of her eye. Her right hand met the girl's on her shoulder, squeezing it in response. There were no words to describe that moment, not for Abby, not for Raven. The girl sighed.

"I'll do it." Raven whispered.

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because I take care of the people I love. And I can't take care of you if I am always in pain."


End file.
